Learn to Communicate Better
Most couples who come to counseling describe communication as their biggest relationship challenge. Think of your own life: doesn’t it often seem that issues seem somewhat clear in your own mind, but when you start discussing them with partners, co-workers, family and friends, they get more complicated and often lead to conversations that you later wish had gone differently?
I believe that our clumsy conversations are fed by a lack of knowledge and training in effective communication and by poor management of our emotional reactivity. Few of us are conscious of how we communicate. Even when we are conscious, our emotions are hard to manage. We speak in ways that are habitual, culturally sanctioned and often hurtful. We are usually more concerned about the content of the conversation than the process itself. When we get stuck in stand-offs, we don’t know how to turn things around.
Following are some fundamental principles for improving communication and self-awareness. These principles have been informed by my training in psychotherapy, mindfulness practice, meditation, Insight Dialogue, Nonviolent Communication, Collaborative Communication and my extensive, humble attempts to communicate better.
Communication Principles:
Stay mindful
Anchor in mindfulness, which is a non-judgmental awareness of what is happening right now. Mindfulness has no preference for what it notices. Mindful awareness offers the possibility to learn from whatever we notice.
Choose an anchor for your awareness and keep returning to it. Awareness of body or breath are great options. The anchor could also be your intention to communicate better, or love or respect for yourself or the other person.
Try to pay more attention to yourself and the other person rather than being seduced by the content of what you are trying to say.
Mindfulness practice helps us to be more connected, conscious and skillful in challenging moments.